What Men Want from Society

A Look at Core Needs and The Social Structures That Provide Them

The other day I came across a frustrated post from a prominent figure on the left wondering about “incels” and what they want from society anyway because they just couldn’t make sense of the growing frustration they perceive as coming from traditionally masculine cultural spaces. This inspired a thought; What do men actually want from society? Why haven’t we bothered to stop and consider this before? Well, I think I have an answer. Or, at least part of the puzzle, as to what the heck men want from our society and its really not as strange or toxic as the Andrew Tate’s of the world might suggest. Hear me out:

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs provides a universal framework for understanding human motivation and social expectations. Developed by psychologist Abraham Maslow, this model proposes that individuals are driven by a series of progressive needs, beginning with basic survival and building toward self-fulfillment. Starting from essential physiological and safety needs, the hierarchy moves upward through social belonging, esteem, and ultimately self-actualization. By satisfying foundational needs, individuals create a stable base from which to pursue higher goals. This universal framework sheds light on the needs people seek from society and offers insight into the recurring themes that shape human aspirations across cultures. With this structure in mind, we can explore how men, in particular, have pursued and fulfilled these needs historically—driven by motivations toward stability, community, purpose, and personal growth.

Historically, men have sought certain universal needs from society—needs that are rooted in this universal drive toward stability, fulfillment, and self-worth aligned with the stages of Maslow’s hierarchy. By examining men’s core needs through this framework, we gain a deeper understanding of how men’s relationships with society have evolved. Drawing from key works, including Michael S. Kimmel’s Men and Masculinities, Robert Bly’s Iron John, Robert Putnam’s Bowling Alone, and Christopher T. Kilmartin’s The Masculine Self, we explore how society’s shifting dynamics impact men’s needs.

1. Economic Stability and Opportunity (Physiological and Safety Needs)

Economic stability serves as a foundation for men’s participation in society, touching on Maslow’s physiological and safety needs. This need historically reflects men’s drive for survival and security, offering a base on which other social needs are built.

• Identity Through Work: In Men and Masculinities, Kimmel highlights how men historically linked their identity to their ability to earn and support their families. This association is both a social expectation and a deeply personal drive.
• Financial Security and Self-Worth: Kilmartin, in The Masculine Self, explains that financial independence grounds men in their social roles, promoting a sense of security. As industries shift, many men experience economic instability, impacting their ability to meet higher social needs, like social belonging and personal fulfillment.

Today, as traditional industries decline, challenges to economic stability manifest differently. For instance, remote work and the gig economy offer flexibility but can lack long-term security and social fulfillment, leaving some men feeling disconnected from stable, meaningful work. Modern groups like the Men’s Rights Movement or Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) reflect concerns around job security, personal autonomy, and responses to perceived economic instability.

2. Purpose and Social Status (Esteem and Self-Actualization Needs)

Beyond basic security, men have long sought roles that provide a sense of purpose, aligning with Maslow’s esteem and self-actualization needs. A sense of purpose allows men to achieve respect and self-worth, often providing meaning and direction.

• Traditional Roles and Rites of Passage: In Iron John, Bly explores men’s search for purpose as a journey of self-discovery, one historically achieved through roles as protectors, providers, and leaders. These roles once provided a clear path to esteem.
• Shifting Role Structures: New family structures, such as co-parenting and shared parenting responsibilities, often lack respect for the dynamics around which the sexes have evolved, confusing gender roles and exacerbating uncertainty in men. On the other hand, remote work and the rise of freelance careers give men new, if unconventional, avenues to pursue self-actualization. However, without clear role models or social reinforcement, many struggle to navigate these changes.

Remote work and the rise of freelance careers give men new, unconventional avenues for self-actualization. However, navigating these nontraditional structures without clear role models or social reinforcement can be challenging, leaving some men uncertain about how to establish purpose and status.

3. Community and Belonging (Social Belonging Needs)

Social belonging is a central tier in Maslow’s hierarchy and has been a consistent need for men seeking connection and camaraderie. In times past, men fulfilled these social needs through strong community structures.

• Community Networks: Robert Putnam’s Bowling Alone emphasizes the importance of social networks like trade unions, clubs, and social organizations that historically provided men with camaraderie and identity.
• Decline in Social Belonging: As these community structures have weakened, many men report feeling isolated. This decline has disrupted men’s ability to meet their social needs, affecting those who traditionally found emotional support and identity in group settings.

Digital networks, though they provide social connection, often lack the depth of real-world groups. The decline of shared physical spaces, coupled with shifting gender roles, leaves men grappling with their place in community life. Emerging trends, such as mental health groups specifically for men or online communities promoting male solidarity, attempt to meet this need, though they face challenges in replicating the camaraderie and support of traditional groups.

4. Respect and Dignity (Esteem Needs)

Respect and dignity are essential to men’s social identity and are critical for meeting Maslow’s esteem needs. Earning respect through one’s actions, achievements, and adherence to societal norms has long granted men a sense of pride.

• Historical Roles of Respect: Kilmartin explains that men historically gained respect through social roles that demanded action, achievement, and responsibility, such as being fathers, warriors, or workers.
• Shifting Social Norms: The dynamics of social respect now often intersect with shifting cultural norms around gender and masculinity. Movements advocating for men’s mental health suggest new pathways to dignity and respect, though some men feel alienated by the polarizing narratives around the concept of toxic masculinity. Nontraditional roles, like stay-at-home parenting, further obscure a man’s pathway to dignity and respect.

Social respect now intersects with shifting cultural norms, leaving some men uncertain about how to find respect within evolving definitions of masculinity. Movements advocating for men’s mental health provide avenues for dignity and respect, but polarizing discussions around “toxic masculinity” can alienate men who feel these narratives conflict with their values. Nontraditional roles such as stay-at-home parenting lack an understanding of the difference between paternal and maternal nurturing support in the neurological development of a young brain. Research suggests that paternal and maternal nurturing may impact oxytocin production in children differently, potentially influencing emotional and social development in distinct ways.

Studies indicate that both maternal and paternal nurturing can significantly influence a child’s oxytocin levels, impacting social bonding and emotional regulation in distinct ways. Maternal nurturing has been found to boost oxytocin through affectionate and synchronizing behaviors like skin-to-skin contact, which positively affects attachment and responsiveness in children. Fathers, meanwhile, often engage in more stimulatory types of interaction that also boost oxytocin levels, although through slightly different behaviors compared to mothers.

Long-term research on replacing maternal with paternal caregiving is limited, but initial studies suggest that both mothers and fathers can upregulate a child’s oxytocin system, though with some behavioral differences. Maternal involvement in play, for example, has been shown to promote epigenetic changes in the child’s oxytocin receptor genes, which can influence emotional regulation and temperament as the child grows. A unique benefit not yet seen from paternal parenting studies.

While these findings highlight the influence of both parents on a child’s oxytocin system, the nuanced differences and long-term developmental impacts of maternal versus paternal primary caregiving remain areas requiring further research.

5. Autonomy and Personal Freedom (Self-Actualization Needs)

Autonomy and freedom are essential for men to achieve self-actualization, Maslow’s highest tier. The ability to make independent choices and pursue self-defined goals has historically been central to men’s self-identity.

• Symbolic Journey Toward Freedom: In Iron John, Bly discusses autonomy as an intrinsic part of the male psyche, symbolized by freedom from restrictive norms.
• Control Over Life and Choice: Historically, autonomy allowed men control over their lives, enabling them to pursue opportunities unencumbered. Yet, societal changes today limit some aspects of autonomy, such as economic pressures and social expectations.

Adapting to Modern Life: Today’s men must navigate complex cultural expectations, balancing economic pressures with personal aspirations. Movements like MGTOW embody a response to perceived threats to autonomy, particularly concerning family, career, and societal expectations. Though controversial, these movements underscore a persistent need for freedom in navigating life choices and reflect ongoing shifts in societal dynamics.

Men’s Core Needs in Maslow’s Context

Viewing men’s core needs through Maslow’s hierarchy provides a layered understanding of the motivations behind men’s interactions with society. Economic stability and safety form the foundational needs, while purpose, community, respect, and autonomy build upon one another, supporting pathways toward self-actualization. Kimmel’s Men and Masculinities, Bly’s Iron John, Putnam’s Bowling Alone, and Kilmartin’s The Masculine Self offer insights into these needs, illustrating how men’s roles and expectations have evolved and continue to adapt.

Recognizing these universal needs within the context of a changing society invites both individuals and communities to address how men can find stability, purpose, and connection in modern contexts. Addressing these needs through economic opportunities, social belonging, and personal freedom strengthens men’s engagement with society, providing a foundation for healthier relationships and long-term social harmony.

Read More:
To delve into the relationship between men and society—specifically what men look for from society—these resources are particularly relevant:

1. “Men and Masculinities” by Michael S. Kimmel:

• This book is highly relevant as it discusses how men’s roles in society have evolved and how these changes impact what men expect from and contribute to society. Kimmel explores themes like purpose, community, respect, and social expectations, making it a comprehensive look at the social structures that shape men’s lives.

1. “Iron John: A Book About Men” by Robert Bly:

• Bly’s work delves deeply into men’s search for purpose, belonging, and personal fulfillment. He draws on mythology to analyze what men seek from society, like respect, community, and a meaningful identity, and how modern societal changes have impacted men’s sense of self and place within their communities.

1. “Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community” by Robert Putnam:

• Although this book isn’t exclusively about men, it addresses the decline in community structures and social connections that historically provided men with camaraderie, purpose, and social stability. Putnam’s research on social isolation helps explain why men seek community and respect, and why these needs are often unmet in contemporary society.

1. “The Masculine Self” by Christopher T. Kilmartin:

• This book addresses the socialization of men and the roles they adopt or reject in society. It explores how societal expectations shape men’s needs for respect, dignity, and belonging, making it directly relevant to understanding what men look for from societal structures.

1. Oxytocin and Early Parent-Infant Interactions: A Systematic Review

• Studies used mother-infant and/or father-infant play and skin-to-skin contact between maternal-infant and paternal-infant dyads to examine the oxytocin role in early life bonding and parenting processes.

1. The Impact of Maternal Engagement on Epigenetic Dynamics in Infancy

• This study looked at how a mother’s care can affect a baby’s development on a genetic level. It found that high levels of maternal attention in early life may change how a specific gene, related to social bonding, behaves in babies. These genetic changes could influence the baby’s future temperament and responses to social situations, suggesting that nurturing interactions during infancy can shape social and emotional growth through subtle biological changes.